Tuesday, August 31, 2010
i'm glad we're friends now.
if you had texted me a year ago, i would have told you to fuck off and that i wanted you to die, because for a while i did want you to die, a painful death. i wanted you to hurt, alot. what you and him did to me will scar me for life, & i know you didn’t mean to cause the pain that you did, but a part of me has never recovered from it, & i will always hurt from it. the boy i loved so passionately was secretly going behind my back with you making you feel amazing, kissing you and telling you he’d leave me for you. when i found out i didn’t know what to do, i was extremely in-raged and couldn’t think straight. but i admit the whole time; i knew something was happening, i just didn’t have any proof & i don’t think i wanted to admit it to myself, because i loved him and wanted to believe his lies. whenever i needed him to be there for me, be that caring loving boy i knew he was; he was there with you, being amazing for you. when you cried, he’s be there to hug you. but when i cried i was alone, & shaking. on the verge of self harm but his love kept me hanging on. kept me alive. in the end i trashed your room, ripped up your photo’s, wrote ‘whore’ on your mirror with you lipstick, poured foundation over your pretty clothes and left. i was put through child youth & family (cyfs) had 20 hours community service, $200 reperation, & a few other rules to stick by too. & you got nothing. in my mind that was unfair and i wanted you to suffer, for all the pain you put me through, i hated you for getting away with nothing. i did everything i had to, & i actually did learn my lesson. i took matters into my own hands & got counseling for it. i discovered i have an anger problem & tried my best to deal with it. after months of loathing you & your existence; i decided to leave the past in the past & move on. it was one of the bravest things i have ever done, i don’t think anyone has realised how much it killed me inside. possibly because i never truely showed it. ben was one of my best friends & i had been told that he was starting to get feelings for you. at first i despised it & wondered how you could like someone so terrible. but because of my love for him, & how close we were; i made a decision for him & myself to forgive & forget. for a while i faked it, for ben. i didn’t want to be your friend, i wanted to rip your beautiful blonde hair out & cover you in bruises. & then i grew up, i said to myself in my head “why waste your life hating someone, when you could be smiling” that was a turning point for me & my life. after that i invited you to my house, got drunk with you, got to know you & realized that you are a good person. it has been over 8 months since i made that decision, & i am still so proud of myself. you were the one who told me the truth, you were the one who couldn’t bare the lies anymore & confessed to me. that showed me that you cared & brett was the coward, he could never be man enough to admit what he had done wrong, he would lie & lie & lie & keep on lying. & shame on me i believed him. but you! you were the good person, you showed compassion, you told me the truth. & although it hurt me to hear the truth that was all i had ever wanted, & asked for. we put everything behind us & created an awesome friendship, because we are in-fact VERY similar. we laugh, we talk for hours, we go out & have fun together, we visit Brett’s sisters on their birthdays, we bond, we relate to each other & we help each other, these days when i get upset & need someone to talk to i text you & you make me feel better, we’ve grown to become very close friends, & i admit what happened in the past still hurts & haunts me to this day, but i have hope. & after everything; i’m happy we’re friends. this proves to me that ‘everything happens for a reason’ jorji jansen; you are beautiful.