Wednesday, September 29, 2010
for a long time; i let myself be controlled by a man, i let him make my decision for me, decide what i would do on the weekends, i was his bitch. i thought i was just making life easier for us both by giving into what he wanted me to do. i didn't live my life for me because i was constantly worrying about him. i changed who i was for him and conformed into what he wanted. a few months ago, i broke free. i let go and i started living my life. i met someone new who i thought would like me for me. but now that i think about it, i'm doing the exact same thing as before. i don't go out with my friends and get high if i know i'm going to see him, because i know he hates it. i don't do want i want because of him. i'm letting him control me, even though i know he's trying to help me stay away from the drugs and alcohol. but i want to do them. i want to have the cone, i want to snort the line, i want to go out with my best friend, get fucked up and laugh until we pee ourselves. and most of all, i want to decide for me. not for him. but the thing that's getting to me the most is that even if i had made the decision i wanted to see the one you hate so intensely, i cant. because i promised you i wouldn't see him. i don't think it's too much to ask to catch up with him, see how he's doing. understand it or not, i want to see him. and i hate myself a little inside for wanting to see him, but honestly i do. why do i let myself get controlled?! why did i let this happen to me again! and better yet, how the fuck do i fix it!
i made a promise that i do not want to keep. i made a promise to make someone else happy. i made the promise so that you would drop it. i made the promise because i thought it's what was best. but now that i've made the promise, i would have rather you went on about it for hours about it. i would have rather you yelled and sworn at me, but there is no going back. you don't understand it, i knew you never would. you expect me to be over it and willing to fall for you already? i don't think so. you expect me to never talk, see or mention him ever again. don't get me wrong, i know your scared. and i know it was him that i hurt you with. but it's not easy to let go of someone who was your life for so long. you asked me if i still loved him, i said no. you asked me if i was over him, i said yes. i lied. i feel bad, but apparently i did the right thing by you. i told you what you wanted to hear, even though it wasn't the truth.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
you gave me my first letter today. it told me that you've never written a letter before, except to one of your teachers for being a cunt. i started reading the words on the page and; within seconds a grin was imprinted on my face and i was becoming red and i started heating up. i can't get enough of you, it just feels so right. a week ago tomorrow after months of torment you asked me to officially be yours, you've made me happier than he did in months at a time. your so gorgeous, on the inside and out. uggghh, 'you need to write back to your letter not write a blog samara!' but after that letter i was speechless, the things you do to me.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
we know your both young, we know you've never had a serious relationship, we know we're a little on the weird side, we know your trying but sometimes we get really mad at you. when you say your gonna come see us; do it, instead of out of nowhere having a boy's day. if we say to shut up; shut the fuck up. if we say something upsets us; listen. if we say we need you; come running. we would do the same for you, we listen to you when you need to bitch, but will your attention span allow you to hear our crys? we're strong, we're stronger than you think but sometimes we need someone to look after us, to listen to our drama, to come see us when our family is loosing the plot, we really wish you'd stop cancelling on us, soon please and thankyou.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
sometimes, i just wish you would tell me what's upsetting you without having to read your blog, or try to figure out in my mind what it is. sometimes, i wish you would just come to me & tell me; let me help you, like you've helped me so many times. sometimes, i wish i could freeze time & take you away somewhere, far away where no body knows us, sit with our feet in the sand watching the pink & orange rays of the sun whilst it sets behind the crystal clear waters of the unknown. i wish i could take you away from the pain, from the angry, from the disappointment, from all the bullshit. & fill you up with love & joy (i know it sounds corny, but it's true) because i know some days you feel empty & like no one gives a shit. NEWS FLASH! i do baby. your amazing in every way possible. & i will love you more than any douche bag ever will.