Wednesday, September 29, 2010
i let it happen again.
for a long time; i let myself be controlled by a man, i let him make my decision for me, decide what i would do on the weekends, i was his bitch. i thought i was just making life easier for us both by giving into what he wanted me to do. i didn't live my life for me because i was constantly worrying about him. i changed who i was for him and conformed into what he wanted. a few months ago, i broke free. i let go and i started living my life. i met someone new who i thought would like me for me. but now that i think about it, i'm doing the exact same thing as before. i don't go out with my friends and get high if i know i'm going to see him, because i know he hates it. i don't do want i want because of him. i'm letting him control me, even though i know he's trying to help me stay away from the drugs and alcohol. but i want to do them. i want to have the cone, i want to snort the line, i want to go out with my best friend, get fucked up and laugh until we pee ourselves. and most of all, i want to decide for me. not for him. but the thing that's getting to me the most is that even if i had made the decision i wanted to see the one you hate so intensely, i cant. because i promised you i wouldn't see him. i don't think it's too much to ask to catch up with him, see how he's doing. understand it or not, i want to see him. and i hate myself a little inside for wanting to see him, but honestly i do. why do i let myself get controlled?! why did i let this happen to me again! and better yet, how the fuck do i fix it!