Thursday, October 21, 2010

thank you urban dictionary.

Samara is:
A very beautiful girl with a unique personality. She's sweet and sour but mostly sweet. She's usually a black girl but she can be a white girl. Good, nice, and beautiful hair. She's a great artist, loves books, fantastic writer. She's the girl you want. Samara is usually mistaken for that bitch who crawls out of the well in The Ring. But Samara will always be a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

i did it again.

i told myself i would try this year, i would come back and i would pass. i would not let anything get in the way, but yet again i pissed around and now i'm going to fail again. i'm disappointed in myself. wasted another year, and i'm still going back.

i can't believe i didn't remember.

i'm ashamed i didn't realise what day it was, i feel like in a way i betrayed you. i can't believe i didn't fucking remember. 3 fucking years; 6 days ago. and i didn't fucking remember. you even called me speechless and crying, you even came to see me, and i still didn't click. not until last night when i was about to write in my diary and checked my phone for the date, after realising i cried, for an hour, i cried. but i was struggling, it's like i was trying to cry but my body didn't want me to. i feel horrible i only just realised why you we're so upset, i should have known. ever since last night you're all that's been on my mind, and it fucking hurts. i really want to talk to you, i need to hear your voice. it's starting to hurt more and more often. i found a letter from you this afternoon; i read it. i fell to my knee's, clenching my fits, biting down hard, crying, remembering. i built up the strength to open my eyes on the side it said "if it isn't love why does it hurt this bad" that small sentence broke me a little more inside. i hate feeling like this, i try my best to try and hide it but you find a way back to my heart without even being in my life.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

isn't it easier?

i think the reason we aren't talking about it is because we just care to much and know there is no point wasting time together arguing when we could laughing. even though i know we should probably talk about it, i'd rather not if it means i can see your beautiful face with a smile instead of tears. sometimes i think it's better we just ignore it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

this song, reminds me.

there's always something
in the way 
there's always something 
getting through 
but it's not me 
it's you 

sometime's ignorance 
rings true 
but hope is not in 
what i know 
not in me 
it's in you 

it's all i know 

and i find peace 
when i'm confused 
i find hope when 
i'm let down 
not in me 
but in you 

i hope to lose myself 
for good 
i hope to find it in the end 
not in me 
it's you 
it's all i know

i'm still bleeding from you.

you know me better than anyone else does, and it haunts me that no one will ever know me the way you do. i force myself to forget you, to forget what we we're and what we had. but i'm still reminded everyday and it still hurts all the time. i really wish i could talk to you right now, for some fucked up reason i just want to hear your voice. i want you to make me feel better, i want you to ask me if i'm okay and care that i'm not. but that wont happen. when you called me and didn't say a word, i pretended i didn't know who it was calling me, but i knew it was you. and i knew you weren't okay. i'm still broken from you, and it still fucking hurts. but i do not want you, i am much better off without you.

i miss the 'old me'

i used to put all my faith in god; now i have faith in myself and little in the people are me. i used to be against drugs, smoking and drinking; now i smoke everyday, drinking every few weekends and smoke dope a few times a week. i used to want to save myself for marriage; now i've slept with 5 people. i used to go to church at least once a week; now i only ever pray when i am desperate. although i no longer live my life according to the waythe bible has told me to, i still trust and believe in the lord. i know he is still looking after me, but i miss him. i want to be close to him, i want a better relationship with god. but my life holds me back sometimes; i'm out every weekend and sometimes school nights too. i don't remember the last time i went a weekend without having a cone or a drink, without thinking about having a sesh or getting drunk. i don't remember what it's like to be innocent anymore. i miss who i used to be, i miss who i was before you, before you broke me.

thankyou for being you.

you had been working me up for about a week, telling me i'd find out soon what you've got planned. finally you slipped, "i'm taking you out to dinner" i was speachless, i couldn't believe my ears. after being offical for a month he wanted to take me out to dinner! i thought in my mind "how did i find someone so wonderful, how could i be so lucky to have found him in my mess of a life, this is amazing" and then it hit me, i hadn't packed any clothes worthy enough of being worn out to a restaurant. after stressing for an hour and a half, and your mum telling me i was looking too casual; i was starting to shake. i wanted so desperately to look pretty for you, i wanted your eyes to pop out of your skull when you saw me, show you i was worth taking out. 'the first girl he's ever taken out to dinner' my stomach dropped. where did i find him?! why hasn't anyone else tried to snatch him up, all for themselves? your dad let you take me back across town to my house so i could get ready. like your mum said "he understand that a girl likes to look good" it's true, it's not just for us girls self esteem though, it's for you. we want to stun you, we want you to want to take us out and show us off. i'm still shocked how fast i got ready, in like 45 minutes; never got ready so fast. you looked incredible, you know i think you look gorgeous when you do your hair like that and wear a dress shirt, you looked absolutely  incredible. we arrived just on time, you had your parents organise this date online nights beforehand. i couldn't take my eyes off you the whole night, and neither could you. we talked the whole time, planning what we were going to do in the future, learning more and more about each other and smiling. the whole time, we smiled. apart from when we let our walls down and opened up a little bit more. i think your amazing. after dinner we went to the warf and had a smoke, all the lights and the cool spring air, the dinner, you and me, it was perfect. the whole time in my mind i kept going over the thoughts "i am so lucky i have you, your amazing and your all mine." "i've never been happier, i know i could love you one day" you kissed me softly, you held me, you kept me warm, you made me feel amazing; like nothing else in the world mattered, because we had each other and we we're happy, unconditionally happy; in that very moment. we finished off our night together by going up to burger king and getting sundae's. caramel for me and strawberry for you. it was an amazing night, we went out properly, for the first time. we are now a committed relationship, but we are still young and know how to have fun, this date showed this easily. i'm in like with you.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

sticking up for myself.

despite how much he means to you, doesn't change the fact that you slept with him, that you had to feel wanted by him, and yes it did fucking hurt your new boy. i saw him the night after and i could see it in his eyes that he was really upset about, he just didn't want to show it. his best friend told me how upset he got. even though i understand that you needed to feel wanted, you needed to feel loved, and he will always someone who you will always hold a place for in your life and heart. but it did hurt him. the girl he fucked is a slut, i know that, you know that, he knows that, i'm pretty sure most people know. look at your standards and then look at his, but it was 3 weeks after and you're great night, was the night after he called you from the snow and asked if you we're okay, after breaking your heart through text. that night, i was there for you. he knew i wouldn't have been able to keep it from you, and neither did i. i knew you needed to hear it, and i thought i was being a good friend by telling you. yes i let him get away, because i know what your like when you flip out. i was trying to help, in the end when we we're waiting for you. because yes, i did find them. but you wouldn't tell me where you we're. and then by the time i found you; he had gone home. i wanted to stop you from flipping out on him at my new boys house, not from you telling him what you think of him. but honestly, hurting him won't make you feel any better, maybe at the moment. but afterwards? what is left? him thinking less of you, and you bruising up your knuckles even more? because i don't care if you punch things, it's your fucking choice from now on. i'm not going to try stop you. you don't listen to me when i try to help you. and yeah maybe i was being a bit rude, but i think you needed to hear the truth, i was sick of trying to hide my honest opinion on how you've been recently, but i can't much longer. this is really hurting me, and you wont show a sign at all that you care, you haven't noticed that i'm struggling. other people have, but you haven't. everything is building up on me again. i'm trying my hardest to push through your anger and sort this out, but you're making it incredibly hard. i know i hurt you, i'm sorry. i am on your side, always have been and i always will be. please give me a chance to show you that, just us two? i don't want other people to get dragged into our shit, even though i know they already are. you enjoy telling people from what i've heard, it's horrible really.. finding out you've told people you barely ever see or talk to.  it's already starting to feel like a part of me is missing, it's ten times harder to survive without you, i need my other half. it's already been too long. i'm meant to be your best friend, and you've turned on me like this? i shouldn't have to prove myself to you, i thought it'd already done that. i stopped it all, i try and fix everything but you seem to be making it worse for yourself recently. and if i'm honest you can be downright fucking rude sometimes! wearing my patience thin a little bit. but i know we will get through this, just like everything else. i know we will. i'll always love you.

we will get through this, and everything else.

i don't understand how you can think i was doing his dirty work for him? he was the one that slept with her, not me. i had no control over it. but i do not at all believe you would have rathered i didn't tell you, where that boy was there or not, you needed to know. you being completely unreasonable, i walked around in the rain for an hour looking for you today. when i finally figured out where you would be, you ran off and started yelling at one of the other people who have always tried to support and help you, we are your friends; believe it or not. and we love you. i told you, because i love you. if i had hidden it from you; i would have been killing myself inside, and you may think i'm killing you inside, but it's not me who you are angry at. it's him. but i will take the swear words, the painful remarks and whatever else you have to throw at me. because unlike you, i'm not giving up that easily. i know you still want me in your life, if you say it or not. i admit, i was a bit harsh on you. and i could have told you a nicer way, but in the end. i haven't done anything, apart from be there for you, try my hardest to help you though as much as i could, tell you the truth, make you happy, and love you with all my heart. you are my best friend. you are my sister. you are my other half. i know it's not over, i hope we sort this out soon. i miss you already.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

one month down.

we've been officially together for one month today. and i'll admit i didn't think we'd argue this much, and it's only ever about dope. which is really annoying, because i like to smoke dope; yet i've cut back for you. and you're still not pleased. i used to smoke it everyday, for well over a year. but you don't like drugs so everytime i go out to have the occasional session with my friends; you get pissed off. and say you don't want it to take over my life. which i know will not happen again. but what really gets to me is that you say you don't mind me doing it occasionally (once or twice a week) and that's all i ever do it. but you still get shitty. but despite the arguements about drugs. and my past, i think we're really good together. you make me really happy. i'm in like with you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

i'm lost without you.

i think i just realized how much i need you. birthday dinner, simple enough. but i couldn't even get dressed without your opinion on what shoes i should wear. i'm hopeless. you are my best friend, my sister, my better half and i will love you for as long as we both shall live.

i didn't mean to hurt you.

it wasn't for your eyes to read, it wasn't intended to hurt you, it was meant to be a way for me to get my thoughts out of my head; so i could have some peace of mind, so i didn't have to deal with the feelings he made me feel. i was hiding the way i felt to save you from the pain of knowing i still cared for him, i didn't want you to get hurt. i thought i had hurt you enough from the drama's with him. so i lied. i told you i didn't love him, even though i do. but the thing is; i fucking hate it. i fucking hate the way i feel about him. i want to shove my feelings into a little black box and burn it along with the photo's and the letters and the memories of what was us. for almost a year now i have wished for nothing less than my feelings for him to disappear. but they haven't. although; everyday i spend with you, another piece of me that loves him is destroyed. i'm so sorry. i was trying so hard not to hurt you, i didn't expect you to read it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

your amazing.

i don't think you know how much i care about you. it's the little things you do; when you pulling my hair back when it's blown into my eyes, bringing me my favorite fast food meal (rodeo combo with a raspberry coke), holding me till we fall asleep even though i've just had a go at you for tickling me, kissing me on the forehead, noticing that i've changed the color of my nail polish, saying you love the way i look in the mornings; even though i know i look terrible. it's when you know what song i want to listen to without even telling you. it's the way you want to me. it's the way you kiss me, the look in your eyes when i tell you how much i like you. it's the way you make me feel that makes me fall for a little bit more everyday.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

i've got to be strong.

it's time to open up the memories of your past
and it's time to move on.
it's time to open up the shadows of your heart
and it's time to move on.

'cause it's a great time to live and it's time to
stand up and be counted on.
'cause it's a great time to live and it's time to
stand up and be counted on.

it's time to open up and shed a little light on your soul.
'cause the box you put your heartache in got
lost or swept out to sea,
now it's time just to move on.
and it's a long long road to carry on i've got to
stand up and be counted on, it's a long long
road and i've got to be strong.

Friday, October 8, 2010

unlike you, i care.

you threw her away so easily; like you were throwing away the rubbish or something. you we're surprised when she was upset and wanted to you hurt, because that's what you did to her. accept it or not. you fucking hurt her. you've never even given her the chance to properly say goodbye to you, and what you two had. then you decided it'd a good idea to talk in person, and sort your shit out. and maybe one day be friends. after talking her into it and countless times trying to get a hold of you, and asking you to come see her... you continue to ignore her. how much fucking ruder are you going to be? i'm fucking sick of having to sort your problems out. it's not that fucking hard to have a conversation with her. grow the fuck up, seriously. i'm loosing patience. she's fucking incredible. you knew how broken she is and you just made it worse. the least you could do is talk to her.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

mr wonderful.

i'm so lucky to have you, so lucky to have the privilege to call you mine. you mean so much to me now, i'm still amazed that i was able to win you back. can't say it was easy, it was really fucking hard actually. but you noticed how hard i was trying. a few nights ago you said to me "i'm really glad you didn't give up, your amazing. i like you so much."  i melted inside, i wanted to squeeze you until you popped! you treat me better than i ever have been before, like i'm a princess. you call me "your beautiful" and that makes me weak in the knee's. and although sometimes; you don't understand, you try to understand and be there for me. your my mr. wonderful.

we we're only just a dream.

after telling me to leave you alone, you texted me again yesterday "just a dream - nelly. i fucking hate you." i ignored it and forced myself to not text back. even though; i wanted to abuse you, i wanted to tell you that i fucking hated you too. but today on my way home the song came onto the radio. as the words came out of the speakers, i was appalled to realize that you would send me a song from a black guy. you know how much i don't like rap music, it was something we had in common. the words spoke to me, as if you we're speaking to me yourself. and couldn't help but let it out, i had to let some of the tears out. - she was so easy to love. but wait, i guess that love wasn't enough. i'm going through it every time that i'm alone. and now i'm missing, wishing she'd pick up the phone. but she made a decision that she wanted to move one. coz i was wrong. and i was thinking about her, thinking about me. thinking about us, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream. we we're fools to think we would last forever, to think we would grow old together, to think we could have fixed what you so easily destroyed. fuck off, i don't need to hear this shit.

this is what you do to me.

will i ever feel the same again? will i ever trust anyone fully, with all my heart? will i ever stop doubting that someone can actually care about me? will it ever stop hurting? will the memories ever stop racing through my mind when i'm in bed at night? will i ever stop thinking about you? will i ever stop missing you? will i ever not be reminded by you from just walking down the street? will i ever hear a love song and not think about you? will i ever not silently cry about you when i read about your new girl? the one who you think is amazing, and you cherish every minute? will i ever not love you? no, and that's the only question i can answer myself.

just a little bit of hope

for you to be the one who i can always depend on to make me smile, to make my day a little brighter, to make me feel like there is still good in the world, to help me recreate my faith, to help me turn my life around and to make me love you, is fucking amazing. absolutely fucking amazing. you notice me, you notice how hard i try, you notice how hard it's been on me, you notice when i've got him on my mind. and you help, you make me feel better. you make me feel like i can do anything. and for this; thank you. your awesome. 

you are wanted.

i'm so scared. all the time i think about you, what you've been through and what you're going through. sometimes, i hate myself for not knowing what to do. i can see the pain in your eyes, i can see it on your hand, i can see it on your wrist, i can see it everyday. you say you are lonely, but i am here. when you have no where to go, i come find you. when your knuckles are bleeding because you got so angry you attacked a tree, i bandage them up. when your dumped and your scared to be alone, i come running. when you don't know how to go on, i hold you. even when i can't fucking stand you, i am there and i love you. i am here for you, and i always will be. you don't need a guy to make you feel complete. you are the strongest girl i know, and i know you don't want to go on. but you will, i know you will because you are fucking incredible. please stop disrespecting yourself.

you make me fucking sick.

 you've sucked me dry, took everything piece of love i could give and stomped on it. i can't stand you anymore. i don't know what to feel. you broke me. just when i thought there was some purity left in your heart, you proved me wrong again. although i shouldn't be surprised, i should've known better than to think you we're sincere. but after reading these, there was an aching in my chest that i haven't felt in a long time. i was in shock. you make me fucking sick to my stomach, after everything we've been through. all the love we shared, you had the nerve to say this to me. "yeah well it's my life and you keep fucking mine over. so please leave me alone for once in your shitty life. i cheated on you over ten times. you weren't love you we're just another chick. stay away from me and don't text back please.." and this. "wish you'd die of cancer you waste of space trailer hoe. your going to turn out like your mum just some hotel bitch. told you not to text back and what do you do fucking idiot. my sluts is my home i'm only good for sex and sex is what makes me happy like you said. wish i never met you either whore" you make me want to fucking cut myself and let all the blood drain out from my arms and never wake up. i dread the day when i see your face again. i fucking hate you.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

but you crawled beneath my veins.

he was warm, he came around and he was dignified. he showed me what it was to cry. well you couldn't be that man i adore, you don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for. well i don't know him anymore. there's nothing where he used to lie. my conversation has run dry. that's what's going on. nothing's fine, i'm torn. I'm all out of faith, this is how i feel. I am cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor. illusion never changed into something real. I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. you're a little late, i'm already torn. so i guess the fortune tellers right. I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light. but you crawled beneath my veins.. and now, I don't care. I have no luck. I don't miss it all that much. there's just so many things. that I can't touch. i'm torn.

i'm all out of faith. this is how i feel. you're a little late. i'm already torn.