Tuesday, November 16, 2010

the day before our anniversary.

it's taken me days to work up the courage to attempt to put my feelings into words. i know i saw this coming, but i didn't expect it to ever hurt as much as it does. i've received love letters, but never a 'break up letter'. you left me shaking, with tears dripping of my face, unable to breathe or speak, and with a broken heart. as you were reading me out this letter you apparently wrote yourself, i started having a panic attack; you just looked at me, and kept reading. you told me; you couldn't handle me, or our relationship anymore. you told me; i haven't changed or sacrificed enough for you. you told me; when i'm away from you, you feel like you don't exist. even though i constantly text you, talk about you, think about you, write about you and sometimes i write things to you. what more did you want? for me to live in your fucking pocket or something? you told me; relationships are about communicating, and considering each other's feelings; but you did neither. i tried talking to you, i had to force words out of your mouth on many occasions. i told you how i felt, i was completely open about how i felt about you. i was completely open and explained why i was uncomfortable about you and her being as close as you are, but you didn't care. you were too worried about yourself to think about me, even though you are in the back of mind all the time. before i make my plans for the day, i think about you. but did you ever think about me when you were with her, bitching about me behind my back? did you ever think about how it affects me? no. you listened to everyone, apart from me. i'm meant to mean the world to you, but you broke me. you knew how fragile i was from the past few days, and you just had to make it worse. as you read me the words you had written, i knew it wasn't you. it didn't even fucking sound like you, to be honest; it sounded like a girl. i couldn't get my head around it, two days ago you were telling me you would do anything for me, you gave me hope for the future, and i thought we were going to be okay, i thought i could depend on you. then you come to my house and rip me apart. after you had finished, you just looked at me; you watched me cry, you watched me clench my fits against my chest, you watched me struggle to get air into my lungs, you watched me hold myself as i shook. and as soon as it started to hurt you, you left. what you did to me, what you said to me, how you left me; is fucking disgusting. i hope you know that, and i hope you know how much pain you've caused me. but i know you never will.

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