Tuesday, November 23, 2010

i never clicked.

i've now been diagnosed with PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder, in result of my childhood and everything i went through, the psychological and physical violence i witnessed and also received. when a person or a child undergo traumatic experiences, they develop 'coping mechanisms' depending on who the person is, it can be different things. for me; i bottle my emotions, i pretend that nothing is wrong, on the outside it looks like i'm a happy young girl, but on the inside is a completely different story. this started at a very young age, and it is a habit i haven't been able to let go of, and sometimes i'm afraid i never will. in result of my continuous bottling for the last ten years, i have not only developed severe depression, but also PTSD. at first i wasn't convinced, but i've been researching it on the internet, and i'm starting to accept that i could have this mental illness aswell. some symptoms include; frequently having upsetting thoughts or memories of the traumatic event's, or commonly known as - flash backs. i am guilty of this. having nightmares. this happens most nights i sleep alone. being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, to reminders of the traumatic event. i'd be lying if i said this didn't happen when i'm reminded of those few years of my childhood. making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event. i can barely ever bring myself to talk or go into detail about what happened to me, and what i saw. having difficulty remembering important parts of the traumatic event. another coping mechanism i used, was blocking out memories, this causes me not to remember big spaces of time, and from what i do remember; i'd rather forget. a loss of interest in important, once positive, activities. ever since i was a child i've taken little interest in life, and the normalities of growing up. i have a huge problem with self motivation. feeling distant from others. i've always felt like an outsider, like i don't fit in. but even sometimes i find myself thinking, and often believing that no one cares, nor understands. experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love. for years i've found it hard to stay positive about life, and where it may take me. i struggle to stay happy for long periods of time, but i've always loved with my whole heart, and found it unbearable to stop loving. having a difficult time falling or staying asleep. i lye awake most nights thinking, trying to make myself fall asleep, although it's much easier when i'm sleeping with someone i care about. but once i am asleep? i never want to wake up, i'd stay in bed all day if i could, if it meant not facing the world. feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger. i constantly feel tense, and that at any moment i could explode and kill everything around me, but aswell as everything else, i bottle that too. having difficulty concentrating. ever since i can remember i've had a problem with concentrating. i just thought i had a short attention span. feeling constantly "on guard" or like danger is lurking around every corner. all day, everyday. being "jumpy" or easily startled. anyone who properly knows me, will know this is true. because of this; i find it extremely difficult to deal with stressful, and emotional problems in life, i've always known that i had a huge problem dealing with stress, but i never knew it could be as bad as this. so it turns out, i am more fucked up than i thought.

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