i've been reading back through my blogs from a few days ago, i was happy, i was saying wonderful things about the people i hold close to me. and now, a few days left; it's getting harder to fight back the tears, i'm still shaking, i'm hating the thought of going to sleep and waking up still feeling like this, waking up and only getting up because i'm going to see them. i won't want to fall asleep, i'm afraid i'll have more nightmares. i'm afraid to have a good dream, wake up and remembering how i actually feel, that my life is falling apart, remember i want to give up sometimes, remember that i'm constantly in pain. the music soothes me, and i take drags on my cigarette, the only drug i can allow myself, my head starts to spin, and i let go. you are on my mind right now, the way you look when you sleep, the way you hold me, and your smile. i'm seeing you tomorrow, but i can see an argument coming, when all i need is for you to support me, we're going to argue. but, i think we'll get through this. i pray to go for help, i seek guidance, i ask for the courage to make it through, i beg for him to bless me, please lord; help me. my eyes hurt, and i miss my smile.