Monday, January 31, 2011

i miss you already.

i think i know why this hurts so much; because you saw me, the real me. you looked deep inside of me, and you saw me. you saw the person i keep locked away, behind concrete walls, and under a million different masks. you saw me for who i truly am, and i trusted you with myself. i let you in, i let you break down those walls, take off the masks and see me. i was honest with you, about my pain, my worries, and my problems. although sometimes i would try and hide the intensity of my pain from you; but you saw straight through my fake smiles, and you knew i was in pain. i believed that i was safe with you, i believed that you were a good guy; who wouldn't fuck me over. i believed you when you said you would always be there for me, you would. i believed that you cared about me, and how i feel. i believed you when you said you loved me, and wanted to be with me. but tonight as we stood on the top of my drive way with rain drops falling on us, when you told me i haven't changed enough for you and you couldn't answer me when i asked you if you wanted to be with me or not; that was it for me. if you can't answer, after this long; obviously you don't want me anymore.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

please, believe me.

i know it's my own fault when that sometimes you don't believe me, because i've lied to you in the past; but i promised you i would stop lying to you and that is exactly what i'm doing. i wish there was a way i could prove to you that i'm being completely honest with you. but, all i can do is hope that everyday a little bit of that trust i destroyed, is being rebuilt.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

it's just the way it is.

i understand that you hate him, and don't want me around him. but there is something you need to understand; that woman i call my second mum, she took me in when i had a split lip, when my real mother had kicked me out of home. i was brought to her in the middle of the night, by the police; after my mother had lost control in a drunken state, and in fear for my safety; i called the police on her. she took me in on the spot, she put a roof over my head, fed me, and took care of me. i lived with her for a few months, she helped me get income, motivated me to go to school and whenever her son had one of his fits at me; she took care of me, she held me when i cried, she took me to the pub and brought me drinks, she trashed talked him with me, and she told me to leave him because i was too good for him, and he didn't deserve me. so in the end, i made her proud and i left him, for good. as for those two beautiful little girls; i've been in their lives for years, since they were first learning to read and write, we've been playing around, doing each others hair, make up, and nails for years. when i went to live with them, they started calling me their big sister, and that is exactly what i am, their sister. the hardest thing about moving out of his house was saying goodbye to them, it broke my heart to see them crying like that. i promised them that i still loved them, and they were still going to see me. so if you have a problem with me visiting my family, when he isn't there;
then that is your problem and you need to deal with it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

well, this fucking sucks.

yeah, i know; the lie itself isn't that big of deal; but the affects that it has had on the people that were involved in the lie, are bigger than you understand. yeah, you apologised for lying; and i'm grateful for that. but, you've done quite a bit of damage darling; and now i'm scared our friendship wont recover after this. i bet you don't even care about the fact that, that little lie has possibly ruined one of the best friendships i've had whilst living here. i bet you don't care that i miss him. i bet you don't care that he helped. i bet you don't care, not the slightest bit at all.
but it's okay, because i don't think he cares either.

i'm sorry you had to see me like this.

i can't imagine the terror, and pain i put you through that night. you said i passed out over twenty times. you said one second i was there, i was talking, and the next second my vision would start to fade, my eyes would roll back into my skull, and i was gone; out cold. i can remember feeling my head drop, and hearing you yell for help. i remember your best friend holding me up so i wouldn't hit my head on the wall the next time, i remember waking up and looking into his eyes, and knowing i was in safe hands. i can remember hearing you cry, and yell as i collapsed again. i can remember walking down your stairs too fast, tripping up and hitting my head. i remember sitting in the ground with you, and feeling your arms around me, and then the next minute i was somewhere else. i can remember telling your best friends that i haven't been eating properly, and that was why the alcohol hit me so hard. but honestly, i think that's only part of the reason i was such a tragic mess. i knew this was coming, i knew i was going to loose it sometime soon, but i'm ashamed it happened in front of you, and him. i think that i was kidding myself to think i could handle all the stress i've been put under recently. if i had to allocate a reason as to why i passed out so many times last night, i think i'd have to admit my emotional state, and coping mechanism's would have to be a part of it. as well as; sitting my head so many times recently, to the extent i think i could has mild concussion. and of course because alcohol was involved. i remember wiping a tear away from my eye, and sculling he rest of the alcohol i had; but i can't remember why i was so upset, and i was probably just over reacting anyways. i can remember asking you if i could have a cone, and saying that it would calm me down, which it did. i remember thinking to myself; wow, he really cares about me, he's letting me have the one thing he hates whilst sitting next to me, looking after me. i can remember throwing up, and you holding my hair back from my face. i can remember feeling my heart speed up, i can remember feeling my start to close, i can remember not being able to breathe properly. you asked me what was wrong, and i said i was about to have a panic attack; and i can remember how amazing i felt inside after it had passed, because you were able to calm me down. i cannot explain how thankful i am for you looking after me that night, i don't know what i would have done without you. i can't express how much i wish this didn't happen, because it's affected you worse than i thought it would; and i feel absolutely terrible because i know there isn't anything i can say, to make you feel any better. i wish i could erase the images from your brain, i wish i could go back, and stay sober. i'm so, so, so, so sorry.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

you aren't worth it.

that's it, this is where i draw a line; i give up. lying to everyone i know, i can deal with. because i could understand why you wanted to keep what happened between us a secret. not speaking for a year, i can deal with, even though it was horrible, i could deal with it. but, i was so excited when you said you wanted to peace it, i thought that maybe you missed me too, i thought that we would be able to start fresh. but i was wrong, on christmas day you drove passed me and pulled the fingers, i didn't think much of it because you were driving with your girl, the one who you cheated on, with me. but on friday night when a few friends and i were organising what we were going to do that night, we were texting a friend of ours, who was at your house, you said it was allgood for us to come over, without mentioning they were with me. so i thought it would be a good idea they said i was with them, immediately you replied no, saying you didn't want to see me. everyone asked me why you wouldn't want to see me, and i explained to them that because we got too drunk one night, we had sex, we kept it a secret, but finally it got out, and unlike you; i decided to tell the truth. you turned it all around on me, saying i was just making up shit and trying to ruin your relationship because i was jealous. which you and i both know is a load shit, and you've hand fed it to your friends. this is where i draw a line; i'm sick of the drama, i can't be bothered anyone. you've proved to me that you don't give a shit anymore, and made me see how pathetic you really are. i'm not going to try talk to you anymore, you obviously aren't worth my time, or effort.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

god dam your beautiful to me.

it hasn't even been two full days since the last time i was able to press my lips against yours, feel your arms around me, look into your eyes, and i miss you like crazy. it may sound pathetic, but i can't help it, i miss you. not being able to text you makes it even worse, i just want to know if your having a good time with the boys, i want to know if your thinking about me, i want to know that your smiling. because when you smile, a lightening bolt of happiness is shot through my body, and i cannot resist to smile with you. i miss the look in your eyes when, you tell me you love me. i miss the way you say my name when your angry at me. i miss the way you make me spoon you. i miss the way you can tell how i feel without me even saying a word. i miss the way you play with my hair. i miss the way hold me when were swimming in the ocean. i miss the way you help me keep balance, because you know how clumsy i am. i miss the way you beat me up when we sleep next to each other. i miss the way we act retarded together. but most of all; i miss your lips. i miss being able to grab your face, and kiss you whenever i want. i can't wait to see you tomorrow, i hope you missed me too.

you are going to be okay.

"i cut myself everyday he doesn't text me" "stop fucking cutting yourself! what does it achieve? nothing. absolutely nothing. does it bring him back? no. does it make you feel any better? no. all it does is leave another reminder that he's no longer around and i'm sure as hell that you don't need that!" look, i'm sorry if i sounded harsh, i didn't mean to sound like a bitch, or like i didn't care. and i know for a fact i upset you because you told my boyfriend about it. but when you come to me seeking attention like that, and i'm sorry but that's exactly what you were doing by saying that to me; how did you expect me to react? did you expect me to be casual about it? 'yeah that's fine, i don't mind, go ahead, cause yourself even more pain than you already have.' uhhh, no. i'm not like that. yeah, i might have sounded a little harsh, but by the looks of things; no one else is going to give you the kind of kick in the butt you need to make you snap out of this; so it might as well be me. by the looks of things, everyone is just going to feel sorry for you. but what good does that do? does it make you feel better when everyone just feels sorry for you all the time? maybe for a while. but i've been where you are, i've felt the pain, i've spilled the tears, i've crawled into a ball each night and wished my life was over, but do you know what i did? i stood up, i put my big girl boots on and i smiled. i looked at all the beautiful things in my life, and i smiled, i was thankful for everything good in my life, all the people who are there for me, and i smiled, i thought about all the amazing times we shared, and i smiled. i pushed passed the tears, and the emptiness i felt inside my heart, and i smiled. because believe it or not, you're going to be okay, you're going to move on, and yes it's going to take time, but you're going to be okay. don't get me wrong, it hurts like a bitch, it fucking hurts more than people realise, and it feels like it's never going to fade. but it will, each and every day it will get easier for you, and you will start to notice all of the beautiful things around you, and you will smile. but for now; i want you to remember that you are beautiful, you are better than that, your stronger than that, and i know that you know are too. there are so many people that care about you, we all know how strong you are and none of us want to see you in pain. so please, please, please, stop hurting yourself.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i'll never let this happen again.

i've done something, something i'm ashamed of, something i swore to myself i would never do. it's something i've been strongly against my whole life, possibly because my mother has destroyed numerous cars in result of drink driving; or possibly because it's one of the highest causes of death in the world. i'm angry, disappointed, and ashamed of myself for taking the keys that night and driving, i've let myself down, again. i'm glad i wasn't caught, because i would have been completely fucked if i was pulled over and breath tested. thankfully; my anger, and disappointment, along with his, will be enough to stop me if i'm ever asked to drive under the influence again. i care too much to ever put my life, or anyone else's lives in jeopardy ever again.

let it burn.

what you said to me the other night, has stuck into my brain. "it would mean a new beginning for us, and letting go of him" (or something like that) well honey, your right; it's time for me to let go of the letters he wrote for me, they need to be burnt; but it isn't as easy as it is to say, it's something i need to do on my own, in my own time, without any pressure from anyone else. so one by one; i'm going to once again read over his lies, let my heart wash away the pain, hold a lighter to the edge of the piece of paper, and watch it burn.

i miss this.

we were once inseperable, but now we barely ever speak;
and to me, it just doesn't seam right.

there's no turning back now.

you are simply incredible, and you may not realise it now, but maybe one day you'll realise how much you mean to me; because believe it or not, i'm fucking falling in love with you.

Monday, January 3, 2011

happy birthday beautiful.

it's been three years since the tragedy. i remember the last time i saw you, it was the last day of school in year nine; we were sitting in a big group of our friends, eating food, taking photo's, singing songs, jumping around and laughing like we usually did. i remember the last time i properly spoke to you, we had been on msn for about four hours; i can't remember why i was upset but i can remember that you were cheering me up, you turned on web cam, pulled your pants up way too high, danced around in front of the camera to make me laugh. you were just that girl; the girl that anyone could go to for advice, or if they were sad, because you knew how to make everyone smile. you were the bubbly girl everyone knew because you had absolutely no fear, or shame. you were so caring and loving towards everyone, you had an amazing connection with god, and attended church every week. it's been three years, and three days since you've passed away; i remember the last thing you ever said to me "i love you samara, i'll see you on my birthday." and i did see you on your birthday, but none of us every expected it would be at your funeral. daisy; i miss you, i love you, i'll see you one day.
may you rest in peace gorgeous.

i can't loose you again.

i love you, you are my other half. 
i need you in my life; please don't leave me.