Tuesday, January 18, 2011

i'm sorry you had to see me like this.

i can't imagine the terror, and pain i put you through that night. you said i passed out over twenty times. you said one second i was there, i was talking, and the next second my vision would start to fade, my eyes would roll back into my skull, and i was gone; out cold. i can remember feeling my head drop, and hearing you yell for help. i remember your best friend holding me up so i wouldn't hit my head on the wall the next time, i remember waking up and looking into his eyes, and knowing i was in safe hands. i can remember hearing you cry, and yell as i collapsed again. i can remember walking down your stairs too fast, tripping up and hitting my head. i remember sitting in the ground with you, and feeling your arms around me, and then the next minute i was somewhere else. i can remember telling your best friends that i haven't been eating properly, and that was why the alcohol hit me so hard. but honestly, i think that's only part of the reason i was such a tragic mess. i knew this was coming, i knew i was going to loose it sometime soon, but i'm ashamed it happened in front of you, and him. i think that i was kidding myself to think i could handle all the stress i've been put under recently. if i had to allocate a reason as to why i passed out so many times last night, i think i'd have to admit my emotional state, and coping mechanism's would have to be a part of it. as well as; sitting my head so many times recently, to the extent i think i could has mild concussion. and of course because alcohol was involved. i remember wiping a tear away from my eye, and sculling he rest of the alcohol i had; but i can't remember why i was so upset, and i was probably just over reacting anyways. i can remember asking you if i could have a cone, and saying that it would calm me down, which it did. i remember thinking to myself; wow, he really cares about me, he's letting me have the one thing he hates whilst sitting next to me, looking after me. i can remember throwing up, and you holding my hair back from my face. i can remember feeling my heart speed up, i can remember feeling my start to close, i can remember not being able to breathe properly. you asked me what was wrong, and i said i was about to have a panic attack; and i can remember how amazing i felt inside after it had passed, because you were able to calm me down. i cannot explain how thankful i am for you looking after me that night, i don't know what i would have done without you. i can't express how much i wish this didn't happen, because it's affected you worse than i thought it would; and i feel absolutely terrible because i know there isn't anything i can say, to make you feel any better. i wish i could erase the images from your brain, i wish i could go back, and stay sober. i'm so, so, so, so sorry.

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