i don't know how to stop what's happening to me, mainly because i don't know what's happening to me, within me. i'm constantly angry, at everything and everyone, including myself. i'm always on the verge of breaking down, and not standing back up. i don't feel like myself anymore, or feel like i know myself either. there hasn't been a moment within the last few weeks where i haven't felt sad, or lonely; even when i'm surrounded by people, and i'm laughing. sometimes i feel like everything is caving in on me, i imagine that there is a thick black cloud closing in around me, there is no where to run, there is no where to hide, and when it finally hits; what if i'm not stronge enough to fight it? what if i'm too weak to face it? what happens then? all i know is; this isn't me.
i blame myself because i introduced you back into this life, not knowing what the future would hold for your life. but now i know, and i'm angry at myself every day for doing this to you. you might be able to shrug it off, but i can't, and that's what is scaring me the most, the fact that you seem like you no longer care what happens to your body, or your mind. but i still care. believe it or not, your going off the rails. and i hate it.
for the last three years i have been searching for a way to find someone like you. someone that likes me from me, someone that doesn't want anything from me or to change me, someone who wants me to be happy, and be happy with me. now that i've found someone like that, i'm starting to notice just how broken i am, from the last two loves. i'm starting to notice how lost i am, within this town, and within myself. i used to find comfort in the thought i knew who i was, and what i wanted from a partner, but now; it feels like i have no idea. even though, to some point, i do; in other ways i don't. he makes me happy, but something is missing, and i don't know what that is. i like him, but something is missing, and i don't know what that means. recently, there has been a thought lingering around my brain;
' maybe i'm just too broken, and weak to start all over again.'
i was able to block you out for a while, cutting my thoughts down to a couple a day, it was easy; it was the holidays, and i knew i wouldn't have any chance of seeing you. but, of course, having my luck; i saw you. you didn't see me, but i saw you. and ever since then, there hasn't been a night i haven't dreampt about you, waking up smiling, feeling on top of the world, and then a few moments later everything stops; remembering that you didn't forgive me, remembering you don't want to be friends, you don't want anything to do with me, and then that heavy feeling i get in my chest returns, and everything starts to crash, again.
i've come to know this feeling too well, i feel it on a daily basis, but it's getting rather old. it's been too long since i've seen you, and my irritation levels are being lifted too high, but then again it's always been too long since i've last seen you. i constantly have to remind myself that you aren't only on the other side of a country, you aren't five hours time differences away; you are here, you are here with me, constantly. when i drink our favorite asian drinks that we always used to get before i left, you are there. when i see that heart painted on the ground in the carpark, you are there. when i see a pizza shop, you are there. when i play pokemon, you are there. when i think about russians, and excessive amounts of alcohol, you are there. when i go sleep, you are there. when i wak up, you are there. when i'm happy, you are there. when i am inches away from tears, you are there. when i am lonely, and over thinking, you are there. when i need you the most, you are there. even though you live in a different country, you are always there. i carry your heart, in my heart.
i don't remember the last time i spoke to you or thought about what i might say if i did have the chance to hear your voice again, i don't remember the last time i read one of your letters, or the last time i looked at a photo taken of us, when we were together, when we were happy. even if no one else is, even if i'm the only person in the world, i'm proud of myself. even if everyone else thinks it's no big deal, in my mind; letting you go, moving on and getting over you, is a big deal and i am proud of myself.
maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever recieve all of you. after that, you learn better. but, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no further lover could ever get, no matter what. that piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. it holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong.
i knew it at the time, and now that i've taken a step back and thought about what i was doing; i couldn't be more certain, he was a mistake. i knew that it was going to end badly, and i knew it was wrong; it felt wrong everyday. i knew he liked me more than i liked him, and i knew that when i stopped liking him in that way; it was going to hurt him. i knew that it meant our friendship would never be the same, and i knew that he wouldn't let it go back to how it was. looking back now, i wish i never did what i did. he was a rebound, he was a mistake, he never fit with me and i never fit with him. for everything i've done wrong; i am sorry. what i've done to him is wrong, on many different levels. but this kinda fits, in ways you couldn't have. but i hope he keeps my bracelet on, i'm going to keep his on.
i couldn't even force a fake smile onto my face, not today, not after what you said to me last night. i'd been fighting back the left over tears i didn't let out on the phone last night. i couldn't look at you, i was too scared to look into your eyes. i struggled to ignore you, and my highway of thoughts consisting of you, and only you. "you said you would smile today" i looked at you, you looked at me; and we smiled. "i know you can do a little better than that" i waited for you to get the text back, you smiled, and then i smiled back at you. "i can't believe the power behind your smile" i smiled, bigger, and bigger. "first time i've smiled all day. i could say the same about yours" it's true, i didn't smile all day. "i hadn't smiled all day till i saw yours" i couldn't fight the smile that was trying to errupt from my mouth. i was trying so hard not to grin. i had gone from empty, lifeless, miserable; to exstatic within minutes. - it hurts remembering how happy you made me, i need to forget.
i'm sick of missing you, and thinking about all the little amazing things about you, and all the picture perfect memories we shared. from now on, i'm going to focus on all the things i don't like about you, all the reasons why we used to fight, the fact that you didn't care how i felt, on many different occasions. i'll focus on why i left you, hopefully it'll make things easier. i need to get over you, and if making myself think i despise you is the only way; so be it.
i hate missing you, but i hate what you did to me even more. i hate what you said to me, i hate the way you made me feel, i hate that you expect me to instantaneously forget about it. i hate missing you, but i hate the fact you did this and made me miss you even more than i hate missing you. i wont let you know i care anymore, because i know you don't give a flying fuck.
"hey how are you lately? we need to catch up sometime to talk about getting your fines wiped?" "don't worry, they're already sorted. i got community service. two more full days and they are wiped" "oh wow that's great! did you still want your restricted paid for?" "sure. but don't think that changes anything." "i know i just want to help out as much as possible. i know you don't like me but i don't have a problem with you so i just wanna lend a hand." "sorry but you haven't helped my life in the past. i gave you enough chances. why try buy my friendship? you don't have a problem with me because i've never done anything to you" "if this is about kane then i understand but i want you to know that i always stuck up for you cause he was being unfair to you and thats not fair. he's being a bit of a knob lately. we barely talk" "yeah ben told me. yeah but neither of you ever tried to understand why i didn't want you to hang out or do anything about it even though you knew i didn't like it. i don't talk to him either." "yeah i understand i feel the same way about ben and other girls :/ i'm sorry i didn't respect what you wanted as much as you would have wanted. our friendship meant a lot to me and i'm sorry that i pretty much screwed it up." "yeah it meant a lot to me when we were friends but you hurt me way too many times for me to ever be bale to forgive you again." "the thing is mara i honestly didn't realise i was hurting you that much :( tbh i thought you were over reacting but now i see where i went wrong :/ i would like to make it up to you some how if you let me. maybe a coffee sometime, my shout? you name it and i'll try make it happen. i'm sorry. i really am . you have been through so much hurt in your life and you didn't need me adding to it." "no i didn't that's why i didn't want you in my life anymore. there isn't anything you can buy to make up for what you did to me. exactly jorgi, you know quite a bit of what ive been through and you made it worse, you were meant to be one of my best friends but you proved that wrong. don't worry about it okay, i'm fine. i don't need anything in my life that could cause pain or drama. which is what you've done over and over and over again." "there is nothing i could do to hurt you again. and i swear on my life i would never hurt you again. i will let you punch me in the face if i do lol. i want our friendship back mara.. i'm not gonna lie.. i miss you :/ please give me one last chance. last one." "if i really wanted to punch you in the face i would have already but i wouldn't wanna risk anymore charges on my name for you anyways. wouldn't be worth it, plus my hand is already broken. i don't think i can do that aye i promised myself i wouldn't let you back into my life and i'm sure you could probably find a way to hurt me again. i mean i didn't think you would hurt me after brett." "you have a broken hand?! what happened?! no i will not hurt you again. let me prove it to you. i promise mara. i honestly just wanna be able to hang out with you again :/ and if you punched me i wouldn't charge you cause i'd probably deserve it if i hurt you again." "if you understood you'd know you deserve it. you would know you deserve it but i wont do it anyways. promises don't mean much coming from you, so don't bother with that. i can't do that to myself again jorgi, i can't let myself be hurt by someone again. i just sat by and watched it happen last time." "well i have learnt a hell of a lot over the last few months and i would be honored if you would let me back into your life. let me make this promise to you. cause i will keep it." "please mara! i miiiiiiiissssss you :/" "why" "because you helped me a lot when i needed someone and i just miss you!" "that's what friends do, but we aren't friends anymore. you did this, now you need to live with your consequences of your actions, sorry. ha." "why wont you give me one last chance? please? let me pick you up after i finish work and we'll go do something please?" "i'm working tonight anyways. so i can't. i already gave you five last chances." "i can't have been five. please just let me prove it to you mara." "no not exactly five but with kane and interfering with my life, relationship and my own business; i gave you enough last chances. i can't think of one good reason to give you another last chance. so tell me why i should talk to you at all." "because you're a caring person and you want to be the best you can be and you are already freaking amazing and you secretly want to forgive me cause you know how sorry i an and how awesome i can be when i'm being a good friend. and i want to be better :) please you beautiful human being." (didn't text back for an hour) "okay, i've been thinking about this a lot and although i don't like you and i doubt there is anything you can say to change my mind about you; i finish work at 8 if you wanna pick me up, have a quick chat and drop me off? saves me bussing" "sounds good :) this means a lot to me." "it's oay i guess. this doesn't mean i'm going to forgive you or be your friend, so don't get your hopes up. i just wanna hear what you have to say for yourself. i'll see you at 8." "okay, that's all i ask. :)"
before this year; we were barely even acquaintances, let alone friends. but in the past two months or so; we've become good friends, i've listened to you, you've listened to me, you've given me advice and vice versa, we've helped each other when we were close to tears. now that were friends, i've asked myself "where have you been all my life?!" your beautiful on the inside and out, even if he doesn't make you feel like that sometimes; just know, i think you're beautiful. i'm sure you already know you deserve better than the way he treats you, and what he's done to you in the past; you deserve the best the world has to offer, you have so much love to give, your so kind, and he doesn't appreciate that about you. but i do. so next time he fucks you around again or makes you feel like shit; read this.
i love you bitch, your amazing.
for the last three and a half years you've expected me to forgive you for everything you do, just because i love you. all those times you went behind my back; chatting up girls and cheating on me, it was supposed to be okay because i love you. and now that's all been said and done; we were meant to be friends, but friends don't talk to one another like that, and they certainly don't expect their friends to forgive them after they've abused them, and made them sob hysterically on a bus. you made me feel like i was dirty, and no that's no okay with me, not fucking okay at all. and no, this time i will not forgive you for the simple fact i love you. you know i don't want to love you, so shall i pretend like i don't love you at all? should be easy enough; you've been doing it easily enough for the last three years.
you aren't like anyone i've ever met before, your crazy in all the right ways. in third form, we liked each other, we were both the innocent little christian kids, we even attended the same youth group. on one particular occasion after youth had finished, we took off into the darkness together; we climbed a tree, and we talked for what felt like four hours. i don't exactly remember what we spoke about word for word, but i do remember the way i felt. as though i could tell you anything without any fear of judgment, and for some reason i knew you would still like me just the way i was. we didn't end up together back then but; three years later, we like each other again. life has changed drastically for both of us in the last few years, you've left school, and taken on a full time job instead. i've decided to stay at school and work my little butt off. but in some ways, nothing has changed at all; we both take drugs often, and rebel against our parents. i still feel like i can tell you anything without any fear of judgement or ridicule, and i know you like me just the way i am. there isn't a thing i would change about you either, i think your awesome, and my feelings for you are growing stronger every day. i'm looking forward to spending the night with you tonight; laughing till i can't breathe, cuddling up to you, watching movies and possibly flying sky high.
i can't put what you just did to me into words, you don't know what kind of damage you've caused and in reality neither do i. i thought that we had come far enough to be able to leave our past in the past, and help each other and move on with our futures. i thought that after that many nights staying up listen to you complain, and trying to help you as much as i could; i thought that maybe just once you'd be capable of being there for me too. but fuck was i wrong, instead of making me feel like there was still reason to keep on going, keep trying. all you did was make me wish i'd never met you all over again. i've said it before, and i'll say it again; i don't want anything to do with you. i was a fucking idiot to think you could be my friend, to think you were mentally capable of treating me the way i deserve, to think you were able to think of someone else's feelings for longer than a minute, or an orgasm. you hacked me down, more and more, text after text; and now? i can't stop crying, i can't stop shaking, i can't stop wishing i had never text you in the first place. you said the exact right words to make me hate you all over again. and it hurts, because i was starting to trust you again. i've always been a fool when it comes to you.
we both know this is really wrong, but not the extent to the damage we've caused. seeing him weep and stutter like that, made my stomach twist and knot itself together. i was speechless, i was in shock, and filled with guilt. it wasn't meant to be like this, we didn't mean for this to happen, we didn't want to hurt him, but we have and he doesn't understand the fact we didn't want this to happen, and that we still really care about him. but, i'm not surprised he doesn't believe that i care about him, i haven't given him any reason to believe me. i guess we should consider ourselves lucky that he still wants us in his life, and is obviously able to accept that we like eachother. but, i am surprised he still talks to me, especially considering last week you yelled and swore at me for a good ten minutes whilst crying and then took off on your scooter, i haven't seen you since and i'm starting to miss your company, a lot.
it's hard enough getting over you when i see you almost everyday, but now it's thousands of times harder seeing you, with her. everywhere i turn; there you are. walking to fill up my drink bottle, there you are; standing at the water fountain. making my way through the mob of students, there you are; walking hand in hand, with her. driving to work, there you are; driving on the opposite side of the road. even when you aren't in my vision, you are still there; when i make a glass of raro, when i brush my teeth, when i hear certain songs, when i put on your favourite dress, when i watch family guy, when i chop wood, when i eat m & m's, when i see the ocean, when i sleep with my minc blanket, when glimpse down at your bracelet, which unlike you; i have kept my promise, i will never take it off. even when i leave my leave my hair curly, i see you. i'm so sick of this, it would be so much simpler if we didn't go to the same school. oh well, i guess i'm going to have to get used to this. even though i really, really, really, really don't want to.