Wednesday, May 18, 2011

freakn' the fuck out.

this is an unusual feeling, i've never truly worried about you. waking up in the middle of the night to my phone ringing was irritating, my first thought was 'why the fuck is someone ringing me' and then i realised it was you; i felt a wave of happiness wash over me, it was the happiest i'd been in weeks. but then it hit me, it was obvious by the way you said "hello". for the first time in the whole five years that i've known you, you weren't okay, you needed me. you are the most positive, happiest person i know, and for the first time; you weren't okay. i was speechless, i was shocked. "i'm sorry i woke you, but i had a really bad night, i didn't know what to do, i needed to hear your voice." this time fear washed over me, worry was filling my body faster than i could breathe. i repetitively asked you what happened, but you wouldn't tell me. and the fact you didn't want to talk about what had happened made me worry ten times more. i didn't want to say goodbye, i was willing to stay up all night talking to you if it meant you would smile, just once. you assured me that you were okay, but i knew you were lying. i didn't want you to go, but you insisted i needed sleep. i reminded you that i love you, and that i was there for you, even though i was thousands of kilometres away. i made you promise you would call me the following night and tell me what happened. seconds after we hung up, my phone went off again. "i'm a bit fucked up sam. i miss you and really wish you were here right now. i need you. i love you so much xxx" i have never heard you use the words 'fucked up' to describe yourself. the thought of you being upset, brought me to tears and left me staring at my wall for the next hour, until i eventually feel back to sleep. your all i've thought about all morning, and i'm sure you'll be all i think about all day.
i'm so fucking worried.

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