i saw you in a dream last night, it was almost like i'd wound back the clock. you looked at me that way, that way you always used to look at me, that look told me more than we ever explained. you smiled at me, the way you used to always smile at me, and i smiled back, the way i used to always smile back. you held me in your arms, and you whispered in my ear. the butterflies were bursting out of my stomach, but then a cloud formed over our heads. one moment you were exstatic, it was like i'd wound back the clock, and then the next moment; a single tear dripped off your face, and you said goodbye. it hit me like a thousand knives all over my body, again and again and again. but then i woke up, and remembered reality.
i know it was you, you left me a sign. your picture was sitting on my table, taken back out of the empty cigarette packet, and left there; of course it was you. i called you at least five times, and you didn't pick up any of them. and i know that means that your with her. so, i know it was you that took my cones. after breaking my phone at polytech, i was really looking forward to those when i came home. and, don't bring her to my house. ever again.
i don't care if she wants me in your life or not, because i know that you do. i don't blame you for not wanting to admit it to her, because you like her, and a part of you wants it to work with her. i know this because i've been where you are, and i made the same decision. but i also know the truth; deep down you want me, and i want you. i love you, and you love me, nothing that's happened in the past, or whats going to happen in the future is going to change that. it's always going to be you, and it's always going to be me. i don't care if she wants me in your life or not, because guess what? i'm not going anywhere, i'm standing my ground. i'm not giving up, you're worth it, we're worth it.
i'm trying not to sit here, listen to depressing acoustic music, and not think about you but i can't. i'm sitting here in an empty house whilst you're with her. i deserve this, it was inevitable. this empty feeling is rotting away at me. i have no one to blame but myself.
i'm becoming something i swore i would never be. i'm beginning to walk down a road, a road towards destruction, fear, pain, anger, regret, loss, corruption, and torment, a rollercoaster of high's and low's. this road will take me away, from myself, and what i want. this road is leading me in the opposite direction to where i want to go, who i want to be. maybe i can change this, this horrible mess i've created, but then again; maybe i can't. maybe if i change, it would change this, but then again maybe it wouldn't. never the less, i need to change; i hate what i've done, i hate where i'm headed. i never thought i was capable of sickness myself so much. i'm afraid of the future, and where my life will take me. i pray that i will find the courage, and strength inside of me to turn around, and change this.
a week or two ago this picture looked completely different, it was painted with bright colours, and breathtaking moments. but now all of that light has been clouded over by darkness, the pleasant thoughts are fading and guilt is splattered across the canvas. i've accepted that i wont see your face as often anymore, and that your path has changed direction again. i've accepted that you are confused, you are angry, and that you don't know what you want. i've accepted the fact that you are going to let me down, and upset me; but i can handle anything you've got. i'm staying strong, i'm maturing. and no, this doesn't mean i am a push over, this doesn't mean i'm an idiot, or oblivious. more or less this means i am trying out new things in my life. do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got; so i'm starting to eliminate bad habits, and push myself to learn from my mistakes. taking every moment as it comes, and always thinking ahead. perhaps i am holding onto something that is already broken beyond words, but perhaps my endless devotion to you has shown me a new light. perhaps i'm just letting myself get lost in the mess, and destruction. and perhaps there may never be an end to this nightmare, but i'll be here right the way through.
i didn't expect this from you at all, i always thought of you as that 'good guy' the one who never does anything wrong. the mature, responsible pilot. i used to look up to you, but after recent events; i don't know what to think. i've been shocked by how you've behaved, and really disappointed to be quite honest. your acting like you've done nothing wrong, and trying to use me to cover up your fuck ups. it's asthough all of my beliefs about who i thought you were have been destroyed. i didn't know someone could be so ungrateful towards people who opened their home to them. a brick to the face would have hurt less than this.